Kids back at school and 40km/h zones, Mum’s in cars, Kids in Uniform.. Half hour extended journey to work so our perfect little human specimens get to school safely gave me time to indulge in a long overdue girl chat……
There is this boy, man I suppose; I have long since moved on from boys at my age one would think. Any way the point; there is this boy that I like, who makes me nervous, and I don’t know what the hell to do. In the first instance this boy may not even like this girl….. Barrier one thousand two hundred and seventy three! Back to my girl chat, she says I have changed, up until lately my barriers have been so high, so guarded, so “allow noone in who has one of those attachments called penis’s anyway near my core”; now after all of this self protecting, how do I change this “nil tolerance” to “partial or full tolerance”? My hardest struggle is as soon as someone of the opposite sex starts to get close to my heart, hmmmmmmmmmmmm truthfully they are not even close to the beat of my heart; they can have only infiltrated the peripheral aura that I do something so out of character, that it frightens them away. But it protects me; it does not allow me to feel, to hurt, to wish… 2007, 15th November to be exact, is the day I broke it off, 2012 almost 5 years later and I am still afraid, so very bloody afraid! But anyway, she said my attitude is changing; my wanting is becoming different…. I HOPE SO, I really do hope so!! xx And my question is what is healing; how do we heal, how do we become half of that woman we once were? This is what I hope to discover, the path to healing, to smile and believing again! So one of my goals for 2012 was to do this, to share and hopeful (one day) encourage one other person!!
For once in my life I can successfully tick off a goal…. As COMPLETED. Now that I am here and have the platform to share, I am lost for words, I can feel that stubbornness coming over me, shutters drawing closed, and the…. “I don’t want to” come foremost to my mind! Ridiculous. Almost like the grass is always greener, I always want to, say I will; then bang I give myself all the reasons why I don’t need too! Small steps Tania, just little ones. I found this today “I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back. And it is not the end of the world” Small steps, no matter how small............... VERY SIGNIFICANT!!
A very good friend of mine said tonight, Tania you have no punctuation, it is all just one big sentence. My reply; "but that is how I am, one big sentence, full speed; no pausing" So I apologise now in the beginning for my lack of "writing well"!! I just want to tell, as in be part of, not get it right necessarily but just to fail by trying!!... No? Your intuition will be terrific today. You have wonderful investing and work-related opportunities, and you will know just which ones to pursue, and which to avoid. Your personal energy is high today and you will enjoy the art of getting ahead. I have started my story, for me in the first instance; to remind me how far I have come, to inspire others and to grow, to learn and to laugh!!
To heal and to share, to cry and roll around the floor giggling from the stories shared.......... |
tania marie- a perpetual child, Archives
February 2019
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